Today it is personal

Hi there, I don’t know if I should actually write this post or not. I’ve been thinking about it since yesterday and finally I decided to go ahead anyway. After all, writing makes me feel better and it helps me to get things into perspective and maybe even see things more clearly, with a little less emotion. I also trust you to just stop reading and turn to a different webpage if you do not like what you read and would rather not read something this personal. I hope you forgive me and that you will still come back to my blog, I promise I will not make this into a personal diary, I will keep this as a knitting and fibre related blog, except mostly for today. So what gives? Well, about 36 hours ago, in the evening of March 18th my life was turned upside down by a horrible phone call. My mother just had a massive heart attack and she was in emergency surgery. I went into shock. How is this possible??? She’s only 63 years old, she does not smoke, drink, she is not diabetic or overweight. She has not had any signs, nothing. My world just crumbled to the ground. And what is even worse is that I’m so far away. She’s in Iceland and I’m in France – not far away on a daily basis but under these circumstances I might as well be on the other side of the globe! Unfortunately the surgery did not go as well as we could have hoped for and she is not doing very well. I’m told all the complications are “normal” and that she is in the very best of hands and that she will get better although she does have damage to her heart and lungs – just how much we will not know until later this week. I think that a mother is THE most important person in anyones life and we only have one so new such as this just makes you stop and think – that is once you have stopped crying. I admit that I cried for a number of hours but today I’m able to talk about this and not cry continuously. I would like to just hop on the next plain and be by her side ASAP but life is never that simple. I also have my own family of 3 children and a husband that works long hours and sometimes travels and this is just a time where he is away for a week. So I have to hold onto hope and trust in God and the doctors that she will be ok. I try to convince myself that it is ok if I don’t go just now, she is in the hospital and I cannot do much for her there. If I come once she is home I will be able to be with her all the time and help out at home. So that is what I’m going to do. So in a few days I’ll be going to Iceland and thus may not write regularly for a week or so. This also affects my planning for the next few weeks. I will not be dyeing more yarn for my shop but rather concentrate on selling the 450+ items already listed there and concentrate my dyeing on preparing for the I Knit Fandango show in London this May. So the shop may look a bit dull or stagnated for a while but I promise that is only temporary due to these special circumstances. You know, back in 2011 when I launched my Knitting in France e-commerce adventure, not everyone believed in me. My mom on the other hand was all for me, she has always been my nr 1 fan and she is convinced that I can make it, that even though 4 years into my adventure I’m still not making a living from the shop, she still thinks my efforts are worth it. She understands the pleasure I get from doing something I love, she understands my desire to try my hardest to create a job for myself, to make a living doing something I really truely love. So I’m definitely NOT going to let her down. No I’m going to continue to make her proud of me and I will continue to put as much time and effort as I possibly can into my shop and one day I’ll be able to say to her: you were right! I CAN do this! So even though I’m infinitely sad at the moment and that I have to kick myself to get anything done as all I feel like doing is curl up in bed and cry, I’m going to continue. I’m going to make a plan, a schedule to keep focus and to not get overwhelmed. Set goals for each day, however small,  and that way I KNOW that I will be able to continue. My mom would hate to see me close the shop or lose hope “just” because she is not well. So I’m not going to worry her, I’m going to continue and show her what I’m capable of with her help and belief in me. As I’m writing this, tears roll down my cheeks so it’s probably time to say goodbye for now.  If you are still reading me then thank you for taking the time and for reading my words. I’ll be back with a more positive post I promise. Until then, take care of yourself and your family, nothing else matters.

7 thoughts on “Today it is personal

  1. Oh! I just came to your blog for the first time after checking back in on your shop….my needles arrived yesterday. Anyway, prayers for you! My dad, 4 years ago, suffered a major stroke (he was 58 at the time): I definitely can relate to the feelings of fear and hope all mixed into one.

    Like

  2. Thank you Sarah for your message. I know she is in good hands and that she is going to get through this. But it is super hard when living so far away when a parent has such a major health problem. Now I just count the days until I can go back home and see her again:)

    Like

  3. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through these difficulties! Keeping you, your Mom, and your family in my prayers! And you are an inspiration the way you are keeping on for your Mom! Way to go!

    Like

  4. My thoughts are with you. My mother died a year ago. She was 83 but believe me, if she had been 103 it would still have been a shock. As you say, you Only have one mother.

    Like

Leave a comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s